Done…..Love? November 16, 2008

How do you know when you’re done with a relationship and are just going through the motions.  Or should I say why does it take so long to be done with a relationship?  It’s not like things got crappy overnight, things have been like it all along, but why does it take so long for us to realize this?  I am done……………. Just biding my time and trying to finish my degree so I can take care of my kids and make it on my own.

I have thought and thought about it and I am not totally convinced that there is a such thing as love.  Okay well with the exception of my kids, cause I know I love them unconditionally and the love I have for my BFF of 26 years, because even though we’ve had our ups and downs, we’ve loved each other unconditionally.  But I am not sure I’ve ever been “in love” with any man.  What is love?  and how do I know if I was in it or not?    My BFF asked me if I loved my ex-hubs.  Honestly I can say no,  we were more in lust than anything.  Do I love my husband?????  I am not sure I can say yes.  I care for him deeply, but I don’t love him because he doesn’t make me love myself……………………

to be continued….

MIP

What is wrong with me?????? July 13, 2007

I feel like I’m have a mid-life crisis or something.  I will be 29 this November and I’m questioning everything about my life…………well not everything, my kids are the only thing I don’t question. 

I’m sick of so much.  I’m sick of the drama that constantly goes on with TheGrump’s Ex.  I’m sick of feeling like a second class citizen in my own home.  I’m sick of my husband being such an asshole and I’m sick of feeling like I deserve to be treated better.  I can’t say that I wish I could go back and do it all differently because I love my kids and step-kids sooooo much.  I’m not a horrible person and damn it, maybe I’m selfish but I want to be treated well or not at all.  

Things were a little harder but so much less stressful when I was a single parent.  TheTomboy’s father and I get along quite well.  Hell I even get along with his wife.  Why does everyone else have to be so difficult. To be honest, and I know this sounds stupid but I believe that if TheGrump could be back with the Ex he would.  He is much nicer to her than he is to me and I’m sick of it. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy.  I wonder if I feel all these feelings because they are valid or because I’m bored.  Sometimes I think I should of been born a man, because once I get bored I start pulling away from relationships.  In this case I don’t know which it is.  As of Tuesday we will have been married for 4 years and I miss that giddy feeling that I had when we first started dating.   I wish you could have a relationship where you didn’t get bored and that newness never went away.  Maybe that’s just a fantasy but that’s what I really want!!!

WIP

Randomness September 15, 2006

Okay so I complain all the time about my job yes.  And I do sorta like what I do.  But am the low man on the totem pole or “the girl who makes the coffee” and I just don’t want to be that.  And I didn’t spend 30k in school loans (so far) to be the girl who makes the coffee.  But some-days I am reminded of why I wanted to work in family law.  We have a client, a man who has custody of his kids (I know strange huh, not necessarily) His ex is crazy and he had been trying to get her to just give up her rights and let his wife adopt the kids because she is nuts and just doesn’t do right by the children.  Well after a year and a half of trying to get her to do so, she gave in.  Why you ask?  Because she didn’t want to pay child support and was so far behind that DCSE was going to put her in jail.  So she signed over her kids to him and his wife.  We just finished up the adoption and it was singed by the judge.  And to of seen the look on his face when he came in for a copy of the adoption order, it was the look of a man who’s troubles had been suddenly relieved.  He and his wife are some really super nice people and the mother was causing turmoil and trouble in these kids lives and he was so worried about them, but now his worries are lifted.  It just makes me glad I chose this profession, even if it is for a brief minute.

On other news soccer starts tomorrow and The Tomboy has her first game.  TheDiva’s mother signed her up with their local soccer team but there wasn’t enough interest so now she’s on the waiting list to participate in the county program which TheTomboy is in.  But now that schools in there’ll be non  stop running for activities of all sorts

TheEldest left his shoes at my MIL’s house the other day.  And reports from a classmate of his that knows our family said that he had been wearing flip flops all week to school.  Which my MIL and I both thought was odd because it has been cool and drizzly this week.  Plus if anything like TheTomboy’s school they are not allowed to wear flip flops because of gym class.  So anyway he is suppose to go to a dance and football game tonight and then I will pick him up after.  So I got his shoes from my MIL’s house and was going to take him his shoes.  I arrive at his mother’s house (aka Witch) and see vehicles but no one out side.  And since I can not go on her property (long story where she threatened me, while I was pregnant an then got papers served on me, over two years ago) I couldn’t go knock on the door to give them to him.  So I decided I go to his school and drop them off to him there, which is what I usually do.  So anyway I get there, tell them who I am and they call him up to pick up his shoes and some socks (because I figured he’d be wearing his flip flops again) and yep he was.  No only was he wearing flip flops but his hair also looked greasy and he looked like he had been up all night and very tired.  I told him I’d pick him up tonight and he went back to class.  Now this ticked me off because we’ve run into the “no shower or bath” issue before.  Over the summer they are with us a week and the Witch a week.  During his time with the Witch many times he didn’t take a bath or shower.  Sometimes being because his mother and step dad used up all the hot water and had to go so he didn’t get a shower.  But being at our house during that time we made sure he took a shower everyday.   But now school is back in and they only come 2 days a week and every other weekend, trying to resolve this problem is going to be impossible. 

Maybe I better explain to you about the Witch.  The Witch is the type of person who tries VERY hard to make everyone else see how great she is, great mom, great business woman, great wife…..etc…   But no matter how hard she tries her true self seems to come out and everyone sees how terrible she is.  The problem is that she think’s it everyone else who has the problem and not her.  Quite the contrary.  She had even been heard saying she didn’t want kids and that when her kids hugged her sometimes she coudn’t stand it.  Funny thing because she had 2 kids with TheGrump and has a new baby with the new husband.  The way she treats them is nuts.  She plays with their minds and emotions and it is taking a toll on them.  You can tell, Hell everyone who’s known them all their lives can tell.  And the courts just do no good because they see that “miss perfect mom” persona for the brief time she’s in court and make a decision based on that.  Which is why I hate my job most of the time..  The court just don’t have the time to see people for who they really are unless you are in court every other week and that my friend is expensive.

MIP

Aren’t you just great August 29, 2006

Yes we all know your great.

Your just so freaking perfect.

Yes I know that your problems are always bigger and and what you have to say is more important.

COULD YOU PLEASE GET OVER YOUR FREAKING SELF!!!!!

***sorry guys but a gal has got to have some place to vent or her head will explode and lose her job.  Good news on that though is that I have an interview on Thrusday   Cross your fingers.

Anyone have a cure for the terrible twos ?  Anyone?  Please?  Queenie doesn’t comprehend that most food needs to be cooked and that you can’t eat frozen chicken nuggets and you have to cook eggs before you eat them.  She refused to eat last night because everything she wanted needed to be cooked and when I tried to cook anything she went into convulsions on the floor.  And then after all that she demanded ice cream for supper.  Although wanting to give in, I held my ground. 

hopefully this week gets better

MIP

CAN I SAY IT ANY LOUDER!!!!! August 28, 2006

I HATE MY JOB!!!!

I don’t mind doing my job but I hate finishing up something that someone else started.  They started it and then hand it to me for me to do.  WTF????  Especially when even if two people are doing the same thing/project those two people will probably have two different ways of doing things.  That’s what I get for being nice.  I hate the fact that I’m the peon here and always will be.  Always low man on totem pole.  Hell I was that when I worked in a factory (not knocking anyone who does work in one, my husband still does) It’s just that I thought I could do something that made a difference and feel good about going into work.  Now I just dread it.  and every little thing is annoying me now too.

 That about sums up my Monday

MIP

Randomness of the week July 21, 2006

Oh my where to start.  Well I took my second week of vacation this week to try and get some stuff done around the house and do some things with the kids.  Well it started off good was getting the house clean and planning some trips to the lake with the kids.  I got a call first thing Monday from my office manager (which normally isn’t unusual because they always call me while I’m on vacation.)  But this time was different.  She was freaking out because evidently one of the places I interviewed at was calling to check my references.  Which I thought was odd because I was suppose to have a second interview with them and they never called me back to do it.  So anyway, she was wanting to know if she needed to put an ad in the paper hiring new help.  I said no but that yes I had applied because I was looking to make more money.  She gave me that I ought to feel lucky for what I make now…………………..anyway  I wonder what she really said to them because I have heard nothing back from them at all.  Not even a rejection letter or a followup interview.  So who knows.  Now things will probably be even more uncomfortable at work now because they really had no clue I was looking for something else. 

So anyway got some stuff cleaned this week and we went to the lake a few times.  The kids were hoping to go again today but I had to come into work today (go figure) because the office manager wanted to leave early because her sister in law is having a baby shower today at 6 p.m.  Why she needed to leave at 1 p.m. who knows?  but that’s the norm around here.  If that were me I’d get the big “why must you leave so early” speech.  Which I could understand if she were giving the baby shower but she’s not.  I am the peon here and defiantly get treated like it.  I hate that everything is one sided and that people constantly leave early and got to do this and got to do that, but when it comes to something like kids doctor appointments and such I have to work around what they think I should do.  Hello if my kid is sick (which luckily rarely happens where I take off work) then I need to take them to a doctor.  I don’t know I guess a lot has built up and gotten on my nerves these last 4 years.  I really want to feel like my job makes a difference in the world and I only feel like it destroys more than it helps.  I guess that’s what I get working for a divorce attorney. 

Anyway I’m here at work and my kids are patiently waiting on me to get off so we can cook out tonight when I get home. 

tootles,

MIP

No use crying over cut grass July 14, 2006

(Background ***I work in a very small law office, the only support staff is me and the office manager)

I come into work today with the phone immediately ringing.  I answer, it’s OfficeManager:

MIP: “Good morning ‘TheHellHole’ can I help you?”

OM:  “Hey, it’s me.  I’m running late and feeling sick to my stomach.”

MIP:  “I’m here so no hurry.  What happened?”

OM:  “Our mower blew up.”

MIP:  “okay, is everyone okay?”

OM:  “yes, but now we’re going to have to spend thousands of dollars to get a new one.”

MIP:  “I’m sorry that happened.”

OM:  “I’ll be there shortly”
end of conversation.  So once she’s gotten here she goes into this story about the motor blowing up and that now they’re going to have to spend $6 to $8 K on a new one.  That followed by crying. 

WTF???  Okay I understand not wanting to pay that much for another lawn mower and not wanting to have to make payments on it but WTF???  Crying?   Okay maybe I’m a cold hart-less bitch but what the hell. 

Okay I guess I’m being this way because of several reasons.

1. They make way more money than TheGrump and I do
2. I know for a fact they could just pay for the damn thing out of savings and have tons left in savings
3. Do you really need a lawn mower that costs that much, I mean damn we bought one from Lowes for $1,300

I guess never having expensive stuff like that doesn’t make me want to cry hearing about your sob story.  Sometimes I wonder how I’m going to pay my electric bill, guess that’s not as important as a FREAKING LAWN MOWER………………….

I’m crossing my fingers and pissed…. July 5, 2006

since this is a new blog I guess I’ve never mentioned that I am on the search for a new job.  Well it’s not that I hate my current job……….well sometimes I do, but not totally it’s just that I don’t get paid near enough for what I do.  And since it’s a small law firm it’s not like they’re going to come off a big whopping salary.  There is something else I’d love to do but it’s going to take a while to get that done, so I’ve looked at other things in the mean time. 

Got a call on Friday and have an interview tomorrow with a company as an Administrative Support Specialist………which is garbledeegook for Secretary or something of that nature.  Hopefully they’ll want me and want to pay me what I’m looking for.

On a second note I’m entirely pissed.  I am wanting to see about going back to school and become an RN.  I currently work during the day and there aren’t really any jobs that will let me work evenings and pay me anything decent.  So I’ve checked into our local nursing school at the hospital as well as the program they have at the community college.  Neither offer night classes and don’t plan to offer them.  Now I’m looking into another school which is 45 min away.  This gets me because the local ones are like 15 min away.  UGH….

Hope everyone had a great 4th.  I sure did. 

tootles,MIP

Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?????? June 30, 2006

***All names and numbers are fictional and please note this is not one person in-particular, I get at least 10 of these phone calls a day***** 

(ringing)

MIP: ”Good morning ‘TheHellHole’ can I help you?”

Caller:  “Yes ma’am is ‘Ms.Boss’ there?”

MIP:  “She’s out of the office may I take a message?”

Caller:  “Yes, just have her call ‘Jane Smith’ at 555-1212″

MIP:   “May I tell her what it’s regarding?”

JS:  “I just need to talk to her about some legal advice.”

MIP:  “oh in that case we would need to set you up with a consultation appointment”

JS:  “she just can’t call me back?”

MIP:  “no ma’am she requires all new clients to come in for a consultation, would you like for me to set you up with that now?”

JS:  “yes please”

MIP:  “Okay, what type of case will this be?”

JS:  “there’s no case I just need some legal advice.”

MIP:  “yes ma’am but what type of issue are you wanting to see her for?”

JS:  “I just wants some advice on what to do, just legal advice.”

MIP:  “Ma’am what type of matter are you coming in to see us about, there are several issues we don’t do here such as traffic, criminal, etc…. so she wouldn’t be able to advise you on them.  We mainly do family law here.”

JS:  “oh well I guess it would be a family issues, my husband……….well I just need to ask her what to do”

MIP:  “So you’re coming in about divorce/separation type issues……..”

JS:  “I”m not sure if we’re divorcing yet or not I just need some legal advice”
MIP:  “so it’s about you and your husband possibly splitting up, right?”

JS:  “I guess so”

(see how damn exhausting this is…….but it’s not over)

MIP:  “okay what’s your husband’s name?”

JS:  “Um….. do I have to give you that information, I really don’t want anyone to know?”

MIP:  “Ma’am we keep everything confidential of our clients, we don’t give out names and such, I need it so I can check for conflict.”

JS:  “He’s never been there!”

(WTF???? how in the hell does she know this, we have people come in all the time that their spouse has no idea they’ve ever been here.)

MIP:  “Okay ma’am but I still have to check okay, what is his name?”

JS:  “I know he’s never been there”

MIP:  “Ma’am I just need to put it into our computer, so in order to make you an appointment I will need his name.”

JS:  “John Smith”

MIP:  “Hold one moment please”

(put on hold, check for conflict and take a minute to breathe……..)

MIP:  “okay ma’am I can set up you a consultation appointment and my next available date is next Wed. at 2 or 3 p.m.  Our consultation fee is $200 and that allows you to come in and speak with her for an hour.  At that time she will quote you a retainer fee for any further work…………..”
JS:  “$200.00!!!!!”

MIP (in my nicest possible voice): “yes ma’am”

JS: “JUST TO TALK TO HER!!!”
MIP:  “yes ma’am, that is her normal fee for this”

JS:  “I can’t pay that”
MIP:  “I’m sorry ma’am, maybe you should try one of the other attorney’s in the area”

JS:  “Well I hear she’s the best attorney for this sort of thing, but $200.”

(Duh, if we’re the best, hence the $200 fee)

MIP:  “Would you like to make a consultation?”

JS:  “I’ll have to call you back”

MIP:  “Okay, have a nice day, bye”

(click) 

Yep and they usually do call us back.  6 months later after they’ve gotten another cheaper attorney that they were not satisfied with……………….whew what a waste of time.

Stuck between a rock and a rock continued………. June 28, 2006

Lunch was DELISH   And I wonder why I’m fat.

okay where was I????

Oh yeah, I kinda got into the fact I’d have another girl to shop for.  So TheGrump got up the nerve to call and the first few times he just left a message but no return call.  He called one night and got a very shocked Fucktard on the phone.  He basically told her how he felt about the situation.  He felt that it was her fault for him not knowing TheDaughter and that he wanted a relationship with her and wanted to ease into getting to know her.  Problem is that the child had no idea about him and that she thought that Fucktard’s current boyfriend was her Dad, but she said that she would talk to her and ease her into this.  TheGrump seemed glad that he was going to get to know her and talk to her.  so a few months go by and nada, no call, no getting a hold of her. 

In the mean time TheGrump asks me to do some research on this girl and check into retainer fees for attorney’s in her area and check out the court systems.  Good thing I’m a paralegal and know all this stuff.  Found out that her and the boyfriend have been to court about domestic disputes.  The BF had a few other things on his record.  Any attorney in the area wants between $3,000 and $5,000 to start a case for TheGrump.  He would also have to fly there which would cost around $800 to $900.  She doesn’t work anywhere and is receiving government help.  Has many addresses and P.O. Boxes over the past few years when doing a people search and found 2 other old phone numbers. 

Finally around November or December TheGrump got in touch with her again.  She had not told TheDaughter about him and asked him to give up his parental rights to TheDaughter.  TheGrump was peeved by this and said no that he wanted to be a part of her life and knew it would be difficult in the beginning but that she deserved to know.  So she agreed and said to please give her a few days and she could talk to TheDaughter and she would let him talk to her next time he called.  So TheGrump being optimistic said okay and figured it would happen this way.  Well when he called back Fucktard put him on the phone with a little girl who he thought was TheDaughter.  She didn’t say much but she’s six so he didn’t really think much of it.  He got back on the phone with Fucktard and asked what size clothing TheDaughter wore and what stuff she liked because he wanted to get her christmas and birthday presents. He also asked for pictures and such.  She agreed she would send pictures and he gave her the address.

Near TheDaughter’s birthday in December right before X-mas we packed up a HUGE box of clothing, toys, cards, pictures of the family, and such.  Mailed it in time for her to get it before her birthday.  About two days before her birthday TheGrump called Fucktard to see if she got the package.  She said yes and that she realized that she had taken him away from his daughter all these years and that had lied to him and that the little girl he talked to on the phone was her cousin’s daughter and that she hadn’t told TheDaughter about him yet but that she promised that she would do this before her birthday and that he could call her back on her birthday and talk to her.  Let’s just say when he called her back on TheDaughter’s birthday the phone had been disconnected.  TheGrump was devastated.  He didn’t know what to do. 

We have tried to find  a way to come up with the money to hire an attorney in Alaska but with 4 kids here and paying child support to Fucktard along with all the other bills we just don’t have 3 to 5 thousand dollars lying around.  My boss is an attorney but she can’t practice law in AK, so no help there.  And AK attorney’s are not as eager to give me a break just because I am a paralegal, although ones around here do.  After months passed and not being able to get in contact with Fucktard and not being so sure that the P.O. Box was any good, TheGrump asked me to write a letter to see if we could get a rise out of Fucktard.  So I typed a letter for him (from him) telling her that she had x amount of time to contact him or he would start the court process to file for custody.  Trying to bluff because we know we don’t have the money, but maybe it would put her feet to the fire.  I sent it certified mail and a return receipt.  after about two weeks there was no return I called her local post office and inquired on whether or not it was picked up and when they were going to do a second notice.  I did this knowing that in small towns word travels fast and they might mention to her that someone called.  Woo hoo it was picked up the very next day and signed for.  AH HA, now we know the post office box was still good, but would she take the bait.  Almost a month passed and we heard NADA, zilch, nothing………..

Around the second week of May TheGrump received a letter in the mail from the Tribal Council with an attached petition that Fucktard had filed asking them to help her with custody and adoption of TheDaughter.  It stated that they were going to meet to see if they would persue this issue for Fucktard and then let him know something.  The meeting was set for May 5th.  As of today we have heardnothing from them, even though I have sent them two letters from TheGrump asking them to update him on the status of this.  So now we’re in limbo.

Any advice?  Maybe I’ll set up a Fund