There was this hole created in me some time ago. A hole that I had thought I had filled up or hidden or perhaps maybe even gone away. I’ve tried hard not to think of this hole, thinking that if I pretended that it wasn’t there I would be okay. It’s hard to imagine how a hole that it took so long to fill up and hide away, can be raw and exposed in a fraction of a second……………….. and the feeling of everything or nothing has creeped back into that hole……….it makes me feel vunerable, something that I hate feeling……..especially when you don’t completely understand how this person feels and you’re so afraid that of what this all might mean or not mean………
lost and confused March 8, 2009
so I am the first one to admit that I am confused completely about life and love………….if there is a such thing as love?
I just have all these feelings and non-feelings about things, and I don’t know what to really make of them. I have a person who has always been in my life………..we share a child together and we have always put what is best for her first. She doesn’t have that whole thing of wanting us to be together because we separated while she was still very very young. She knows we both love her and do our best to show her that and show her we are friends.
He has been the one constant in my life over the last 16 years and although we had good times and bad times things today are great. We have been parents first and great friends next and things have worked out great. There are no hard feelings about both of us moving on and being with other people.
Once when I was going through the divorce with my first husband he mentioned to me that maybe we ought to get back together……. at that time I didn’t want to ruin the relationship that we had. We got along great…….. And Not saying that I want to be with him now, I just know that no matter what happens in my life, he has and will always be there and I couldn’t of asked for a better person in my life. I love him, and not necessarily the love that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, because I know marriage screws up a lot of things, I love him for the person he has been to me and our daughter. I only want him to be happy and I don’t ever want to lose him.
………………..me
Done…..Love? November 16, 2008
How do you know when you’re done with a relationship and are just going through the motions. Or should I say why does it take so long to be done with a relationship? It’s not like things got crappy overnight, things have been like it all along, but why does it take so long for us to realize this? I am done……………. Just biding my time and trying to finish my degree so I can take care of my kids and make it on my own.
I have thought and thought about it and I am not totally convinced that there is a such thing as love. Okay well with the exception of my kids, cause I know I love them unconditionally and the love I have for my BFF of 26 years, because even though we’ve had our ups and downs, we’ve loved each other unconditionally. But I am not sure I’ve ever been “in love” with any man. What is love? and how do I know if I was in it or not? My BFF asked me if I loved my ex-hubs. Honestly I can say no, we were more in lust than anything. Do I love my husband????? I am not sure I can say yes. I care for him deeply, but I don’t love him because he doesn’t make me love myself……………………
to be continued….
MIP
turning 30 November 9, 2008
So on Wednesday I turned 30…… I was stressed out about it but honesly I just don’t feel 30. I feel the same as I did the day before…………………
I’m alive, I’m alive October 30, 2008
Okay so i’ve clearly neglected this blog and not that anyone reads it but I am going to try and keep up. I’ve just received a brand new laptop and hope that will keep me blogging a little more often. Too much going on special here, just trying to work and keep up with classes. I’ve also started making bath and body stuff, lotions, body butter, scrubs, bath bombs, etc….. They aren’t online yet but I can’t wait 
The kiddos are growing like weeds and I don’t think I’m ready for the teenage years but there’s no stopping it. Work is work and the hubs is still working every day. Hopefully I’ll have something more interesting next time.
xoxo
MIP
A New Day August 6, 2007
Okay, it’s Monday and a new day. Things have been going okay here. I actually got my downstairs somewhat clean over the weekend. Of course all 4 kids were back as of yesterday, so I’m sure it will all be trashed within a few days……….hell hours
I think TheGrump and I need a vacation…………..together…………….alone. We never had a honeymoon and we had a ready made family by the time we got together and our lives seems to be all kids all the time. Which don’t get me wrong, I love our kids but we never have any time to ourselves………never.
On another note TheEx is still a bitch. I’m sorry but if you choose not to let the kids come back at the time they are suppose to be back because you want them to go to a pool party, that you didn’t attend, why are we responsible for picking them up. WHY? Because you are too fucking lazy to drive the damn 7 miles to our house. (enough about that though
That’s all for today
WIP
What is wrong with me?????? July 13, 2007
I feel like I’m have a mid-life crisis or something. I will be 29 this November and I’m questioning everything about my life…………well not everything, my kids are the only thing I don’t question.
I’m sick of so much. I’m sick of the drama that constantly goes on with TheGrump’s Ex. I’m sick of feeling like a second class citizen in my own home. I’m sick of my husband being such an asshole and I’m sick of feeling like I deserve to be treated better. I can’t say that I wish I could go back and do it all differently because I love my kids and step-kids sooooo much. I’m not a horrible person and damn it, maybe I’m selfish but I want to be treated well or not at all.
Things were a little harder but so much less stressful when I was a single parent. TheTomboy’s father and I get along quite well. Hell I even get along with his wife. Why does everyone else have to be so difficult. To be honest, and I know this sounds stupid but I believe that if TheGrump could be back with the Ex he would. He is much nicer to her than he is to me and I’m sick of it.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy. I wonder if I feel all these feelings because they are valid or because I’m bored. Sometimes I think I should of been born a man, because once I get bored I start pulling away from relationships. In this case I don’t know which it is. As of Tuesday we will have been married for 4 years and I miss that giddy feeling that I had when we first started dating. I wish you could have a relationship where you didn’t get bored and that newness never went away. Maybe that’s just a fantasy but that’s what I really want!!!
WIP
Happiness…….. July 10, 2007
What is happiness? Is anyone really truly happy? If you are please comment, I’d love to know what you think happiness is.
Am I happy? to be honest I have no idea. Over the last few days I’ve thought and thought about this question. I’m happy with my kids, I’m happy that I’m going back to school to do something I want to do, but am I happy with other aspects of my life, Not really. Why do we stay in relationships that make us miserable? Or am I just ready to sabotage another relationship because I’m dysfunctional like that. Is it so much to ask to be treated with respect and to be loved? What the fuck is love anyway!
Maybe I’m going through a mid-life crisis sort of thing. I’m only 29 but am having issues with being so close to 30. We’ll see just how dysfunctional I am. No more sugar coating anything on this blog. If I feel it, I’m going to post it.
Don’t you have those bloggers who go on and on about how happy they are and how wonderful their husband’s are…………… I use to be one of those and it is all bullshit. No ones life is perfect, mine especially. To those who are still in denial……………..bite me.
WIP
