Hole…….

There was this hole created in me some time ago.  A hole that I had thought I had filled up or hidden or perhaps maybe even gone away.  I’ve tried hard not to think of this hole, thinking that if I pretended that it wasn’t there I would be okay.  It’s hard to imagine how a hole that it took so long to fill up and hide away, can be raw and exposed in a fraction of a second……………….. and the feeling of everything or nothing has creeped back into that hole……….it makes me feel vunerable, something that I hate feeling……..especially when you don’t completely understand how this person feels and you’re so afraid that of what this all might mean or not mean………

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lost and confused

so I am the first one to admit that I am confused completely about life and love………….if there is a such thing as love?

I just have all these feelings and non-feelings about things, and I don’t know what to really make of them.  I have a person who has always been in my life………..we share a child together and we have always put what is best for her first.   She doesn’t have that whole thing of  wanting us to be together because we separated while she was still very very young.  She knows we both love her and do our best to show her that and show her we are friends. 

He has been the one constant in my life  over the last 16 years and although we had good times and bad times things today are great.  We have been parents first and great friends next  and things have worked out great.  There are no hard  feelings about both of us moving on and being with other people. 

Once when I was going through the divorce with my first husband he mentioned to me that maybe we ought to get back together…….  at that time I didn’t want to ruin the relationship that we had.  We got along great……..  And Not saying that I want to be with him now, I just know that no matter what happens in my life, he has and will always be there  and I couldn’t of asked for a better person in my life.  I love him, and not necessarily the love that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, because I know marriage screws up a lot of things, I love him for the person he has been to me and our daughter.  I only want him to be happy and I don’t ever want to lose him. 

………………..me