A moment of clarity

We so spend so much of our lives, trying, wishing and hoping things will be better. Or will get better. I’m not sure what kind of fog I have been living in for the last 6 or 7 years but I have recently had a moment of clarity. A BIG ONE!

My husband is an alcoholic. And over the years it’s been up and down with his addiction. Sometimes he would drink more, sometimes less, but I thought somewhere in the back of my mind that it would change and get better. But they don’t get better, they only continue with the ups and downs. I knew that he was a alcoholic prior to getting into the relationship, but just like most dumbass women I knew he could change, or that I could fix him. What I wouldn’t give to go back and kick my “past” self in the ass for this. We can’t really fix people. People only change for themselves, not for others.
He’s also abusive. No I don’t get hit everyday and I do fight back, but either way it’s still abuse. Choking me, punching me, and constantly threatening to kill me is NOT okay. Why in the world did it take me so long to realize this? Why!
So the day before easter I hadn’t gotten the kids anything for easter, due to my classes and work schedule. So I decided that after my husband got home from work my friend and I would head to town, get something to eat and we both needed to buy easter presents. So he got home from work, and I got ready to go to town with my best friend. When I left here, he was fine. He was taking our youngest for a ride on her bike around the block. The rest of our kiddos were with their other parent so I thought this wouldn’t be a difficult task for him. Me and my girlfriend went to town and grabbed a bite for dinner. Just as we pulled into the parkinglot at the local walmart, I got a phone call from my husband that I needed to speak to the police. WHAT? POLICE? what the hell! Turns out he and some guy from down the street came to our house and they pitched horse shoes and began to drink. Finally he took our daughter into the house because he in this guy got into a disagreement. The guy tries to bust into my back door and my husband has to call the cops. When the cops get here they see how drunk he is and can not let him stay here alone with our daughter. Luckily my friend and neighbor comes over to get her until I race back home.
The next morning I give him an ultimatum that either he stopps drinking completely or I leave. He hasn’t drank for 3 weeks now. But he has been miserable to live with. He is an asshole and our relationship is broken. I hate him with every ounce of my being. It’s broken and I don’t know if I can ever feel like I use to about him. I can’t make it on my own financially but all I want is to get out. To be rid of him. I do think as soon as I finish school I am leaving. and I can’t pretend I love him anymore. He tries to be nice at times, and then other times he is a complete asshole. He was trying to be nicey nice today and because I wouldn’t kiss his ass, he put a handful of orange peels he was going to throw away, down my shirt just to be an asshole. He treats me like crap and expects me to love him for it. I’m done. I am going to stay until I can get my girls and get out, but if he lays a hand on me again, I am gone anyway.

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Hole…….

There was this hole created in me some time ago.  A hole that I had thought I had filled up or hidden or perhaps maybe even gone away.  I’ve tried hard not to think of this hole, thinking that if I pretended that it wasn’t there I would be okay.  It’s hard to imagine how a hole that it took so long to fill up and hide away, can be raw and exposed in a fraction of a second……………….. and the feeling of everything or nothing has creeped back into that hole……….it makes me feel vunerable, something that I hate feeling……..especially when you don’t completely understand how this person feels and you’re so afraid that of what this all might mean or not mean………

lost and confused

so I am the first one to admit that I am confused completely about life and love………….if there is a such thing as love?

I just have all these feelings and non-feelings about things, and I don’t know what to really make of them.  I have a person who has always been in my life………..we share a child together and we have always put what is best for her first.   She doesn’t have that whole thing of  wanting us to be together because we separated while she was still very very young.  She knows we both love her and do our best to show her that and show her we are friends. 

He has been the one constant in my life  over the last 16 years and although we had good times and bad times things today are great.  We have been parents first and great friends next  and things have worked out great.  There are no hard  feelings about both of us moving on and being with other people. 

Once when I was going through the divorce with my first husband he mentioned to me that maybe we ought to get back together…….  at that time I didn’t want to ruin the relationship that we had.  We got along great……..  And Not saying that I want to be with him now, I just know that no matter what happens in my life, he has and will always be there  and I couldn’t of asked for a better person in my life.  I love him, and not necessarily the love that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, because I know marriage screws up a lot of things, I love him for the person he has been to me and our daughter.  I only want him to be happy and I don’t ever want to lose him. 

………………..me

hmmmmmm…

Okay is it bad of me to what to have meaningless, no strings attached sex…..?

Done…..Love?

How do you know when you’re done with a relationship and are just going through the motions.  Or should I say why does it take so long to be done with a relationship?  It’s not like things got crappy overnight, things have been like it all along, but why does it take so long for us to realize this?  I am done……………. Just biding my time and trying to finish my degree so I can take care of my kids and make it on my own.

I have thought and thought about it and I am not totally convinced that there is a such thing as love.  Okay well with the exception of my kids, cause I know I love them unconditionally and the love I have for my BFF of 26 years, because even though we’ve had our ups and downs, we’ve loved each other unconditionally.  But I am not sure I’ve ever been “in love” with any man.  What is love?  and how do I know if I was in it or not?    My BFF asked me if I loved my ex-hubs.  Honestly I can say no,  we were more in lust than anything.  Do I love my husband?????  I am not sure I can say yes.  I care for him deeply, but I don’t love him because he doesn’t make me love myself……………………

to be continued….

MIP

turning 30

So on Wednesday I turned 30…… I was stressed out about it but honesly I just don’t feel 30.  I feel the same as I did the day before…………………

I’m alive, I’m alive

Okay so i’ve clearly neglected this blog and not that anyone reads it but I am going to try and keep up.  I’ve just received a brand new laptop and hope that will keep me blogging a little more often.  Too much going on special here, just trying to work and keep up with classes.  I’ve also started making bath and body stuff, lotions, body butter, scrubs, bath bombs, etc…..  They aren’t online yet but I can’t wait 🙂 

The kiddos are growing like weeds and I don’t think I’m ready for the teenage years but there’s no stopping it.  Work is work and the hubs is still working every day.  Hopefully I’ll have something more interesting next time. 

xoxo

MIP

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