Roller coaster

Hmm. I often wonder why I have a blog. I think at first it was a way to express my feelings without having judgment passed on me. Funny thing is its taken me 34 years to find myself and the one thing the people who know me best will say I lack a filter sometimes. And unless I truly care about you I just don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. Which is not something I could of said years ago.

With that said I guess overall this blog shows that I’m constantly in progress changing and trying to improve. I want to be a better mom, better nurse, better friend…….. Not that all would agree. But it is what it is.

I’ve had lots of ups and downs in life. Mostly in the love/relationship department. I feel very broken and maybe too damaged for anyone. But more on that later. Otherwise I’m working hard at being a single mom trying to do the best for my kids. I’ve found a job that I absolutely love and some amazing friends along the way.

Although I bitch and moan sometimes I couldn’t be a luckier woman to have everything I have in life right now. Not bad for a girl who grew up in a trailer park lol 😉



I feel empty inside.   I feel broken and unloveable most everyday. I wish i didnt feel this way.  I wish i felt normal.  But i am not sure i ever will.  And i managed to push anyone close to me away so eventually they dont love me. I really hate living with a mental illness.  Nobody understands and its just a burden for anyone including myself. I am at a loss on what to do anymore.

The beginning……or the end

So over 3 years ago or about that i left the asshole ex husband.  Unfortunately it involved him threatening to kill me and i got the cops involved to have him taken out of the house.  But it was one of the best days of my life.   I had never felt so free as i did after that.  It was like i had been released from a prison. It was scary in the sense that i had no idea how i was going to make it but such a relief that me and the kids were finally free. I ultimately had to let my house be foreclosed on and filed bankruptcy.  But it was such a small price to pay for getting out of that misery. I got a little apartment to rent and started my own life.  Now we do have a child in common and she loves her dad but thankfully he doesn’t get her a whole lot.  Which in a way is sad.  But also i don’t have to worry as often while she is gone with him.   My life has come so far since then but i will save the rest of the story for later……

It has been a while

Not sure where to begin.  Its been a longtime since i posted anything. But thanks to technology and an app for my smartphone i plan on being here way more often. I will start by saying i am no longer married to the abusive alcoholic and now married to my oldest daughter’s father and living my dream as a nurse.  How i got here is a long story but i will explain it all in a series of posts here soon……

A moment of clarity

We so spend so much of our lives, trying, wishing and hoping things will be better. Or will get better. I’m not sure what kind of fog I have been living in for the last 6 or 7 years but I have recently had a moment of clarity. A BIG ONE!

My husband is an alcoholic. And over the years it’s been up and down with his addiction. Sometimes he would drink more, sometimes less, but I thought somewhere in the back of my mind that it would change and get better. But they don’t get better, they only continue with the ups and downs. I knew that he was a alcoholic prior to getting into the relationship, but just like most dumbass women I knew he could change, or that I could fix him. What I wouldn’t give to go back and kick my “past” self in the ass for this. We can’t really fix people. People only change for themselves, not for others.
He’s also abusive. No I don’t get hit everyday and I do fight back, but either way it’s still abuse. Choking me, punching me, and constantly threatening to kill me is NOT okay. Why in the world did it take me so long to realize this? Why!
So the day before easter I hadn’t gotten the kids anything for easter, due to my classes and work schedule. So I decided that after my husband got home from work my friend and I would head to town, get something to eat and we both needed to buy easter presents. So he got home from work, and I got ready to go to town with my best friend. When I left here, he was fine. He was taking our youngest for a ride on her bike around the block. The rest of our kiddos were with their other parent so I thought this wouldn’t be a difficult task for him. Me and my girlfriend went to town and grabbed a bite for dinner. Just as we pulled into the parkinglot at the local walmart, I got a phone call from my husband that I needed to speak to the police. WHAT? POLICE? what the hell! Turns out he and some guy from down the street came to our house and they pitched horse shoes and began to drink. Finally he took our daughter into the house because he in this guy got into a disagreement. The guy tries to bust into my back door and my husband has to call the cops. When the cops get here they see how drunk he is and can not let him stay here alone with our daughter. Luckily my friend and neighbor comes over to get her until I race back home.
The next morning I give him an ultimatum that either he stopps drinking completely or I leave. He hasn’t drank for 3 weeks now. But he has been miserable to live with. He is an asshole and our relationship is broken. I hate him with every ounce of my being. It’s broken and I don’t know if I can ever feel like I use to about him. I can’t make it on my own financially but all I want is to get out. To be rid of him. I do think as soon as I finish school I am leaving. and I can’t pretend I love him anymore. He tries to be nice at times, and then other times he is a complete asshole. He was trying to be nicey nice today and because I wouldn’t kiss his ass, he put a handful of orange peels he was going to throw away, down my shirt just to be an asshole. He treats me like crap and expects me to love him for it. I’m done. I am going to stay until I can get my girls and get out, but if he lays a hand on me again, I am gone anyway.